he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
