Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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