why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
