Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
