Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
