So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
