I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
