i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You've changed since you got that strap on
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
