I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
