guys are only as good as the porn they watch
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
