Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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