I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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