My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
