So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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