Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
