At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
