So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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