You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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