Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
