The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
