The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
