he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
