I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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