Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dick very happy bro
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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