Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
