mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
