I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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