um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
