saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
