remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
