I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
