fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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