Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
