Banned from zoo.
Again?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
