JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
