So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
