don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
