I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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