I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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