Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
