Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
