we have officially lost it.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
