I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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