I can text with my tongue
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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