if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
