So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
