she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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