Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
