She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
