Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
